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Post by kanwal on Jul 31, 2008 1:42:17 GMT 5
Aik ghazL Aapki bisaartoN ki nazR ,...
Iss umeed ke saath ke kahiN koi kami paishi hui to Aap help kareiN ge ,......
Muhabbat ke jhoote saraboN meiN rehna HumeiN raas aaya na khaaboN meiN rehna
Muhabbat meiN teri yuN lagta hai jaise Muqadar hai apna azaaboN meiN rehna
Ulajhte gaye tum sawaloN ki maanid Kaha jab k tha tum jawaboN meiN rehna
Bikhar jaaye khushboo hawaoN meiN aksar Issi waaste tuM kitaaboN meiN rehna
Bohat ranG haiN zeest k iss safar meiN Tu har rang meiN iske baboN meiN rehna
Bhale toot jaana dehar ke sitam se Magar toot kar bhi adaaboN meiN rehna
Hue Aaj be maaya mani bhi jab k E lafzoN mere ab hijaaboN meiN rehna
kaNwal khoon e dil kaaghazoN pe bahaa k Aur khushyoN ke phir tum naqaaboN meriN rehna
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Post by saeed on Jul 31, 2008 4:36:56 GMT 5
Kanwal, Matla khubsurat hai.... Muhabbat ke jhoote saraboN meiN rehna HumeiN raas aaya na khaaboN meiN rehna
Daad!
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Post by Rafi Tabasum on Jul 31, 2008 8:39:11 GMT 5
Khoobsoorat Ghazal Kanwal ji ksisi kisis shae main kuch mas,ala mehsoos hota hay jaisay dosray shaer kay pehlay misray maiN
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Post by kanwal on Aug 1, 2008 23:56:56 GMT 5
Kanwal, Matla khubsurat hai.... Muhabbat ke jhoote saraboN meiN rehna HumeiN raas aaya na khaaboN meiN rehna Daad! Aapko matlaa pasand aaya ,...
jaan ke khushi hui ,....
Aapki pasadeedgi aur hausla afzayee ke liye main tha e dil se shukr guzaar hooN ,...
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Post by kanwal on Aug 2, 2008 0:01:35 GMT 5
Khoobsoorat Ghazal Kanwal ji ksisi kisis shae main kuch mas,ala mehsoos hota hay jaisay dosray shaer kay pehlay misray maiN Salam, & Thank you Rafi jee ,...
Main tah e dil se Aapki shukr guzaar hooN ke Aapne meri tawajah iss misre ki tarf dilwaayee ,...
JahaN talak mujhe samjh aayee woh garbar shuru meiN hai ghaliban, to issko Maine usse ab kuch yuN kar liya hai ,...
Muhabbat meiN teri yuN lagta hai jaise Muqadar hai apna azaaboN meiN rehna
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Post by Atif Mirza on Aug 2, 2008 17:36:15 GMT 5
Kanwal! Aap ki ghazal main soch aur khayaal hai. Achhchhay aur saadaa say jazbaat haiN aap ki shaeri main. Daad qabool kijiay.
Aap ki ghazal kay kuchh ashaar behr say kharij haiN. Aap ki ghazal ki behr hai “Behr-e-Mutaqaarib – Musamman Salimâ€
“Fa’oolun---Fa’oolun---Fa’oolun---Fa’oolun Fa’oolun---Fa’oolun---Fa’oolun---Fa’oolunâ€
Yeh sher mulaahiza kijiay, aap ki ghazal aur iss sher ka wazan aik hi hai:-
Utar kar Hira say soo-e-qoum aayaa Aur ik nuskha-e-keemyaa saath laayaa
Iss sher ki taqtee aisay ho gi:-
Utar kar---Hira say---soo-e-qou---m aayaa Aur ik nus---kha-e-kee---myaa saa----t laayaa
Ab aatay haiN aap ki ghazal ki taqtee per:-
Muhabbat --- ke jhoote --- saraboN --- me rehna Humay raa---s aaya --- n khaabo --- me rehna
Yeh sher taqtee kay mutabiq bilkul theek hai.
Muhabbat --- me tairi --- yu lagta --- hai jaisay Muqadar --- hai apna --- azaabo --- me rehna
Roman main yeh bilkul theek wazan main hai. Laikin Urdu image main yeh ghalat likha huwa hai. WahaN hai:-
Iss chaahat main teri yooN lagta hai jaisay
Jo keh wazan say kharij hai. Kindly Urdu image durust kijiay.
Ulajhte --- gaye tum --- sawalo --- k maanind Kaha jab --- k tha tum --- jawabo --- me rehna
Yeh wazan main hai.
Bikhar jaay--- khushboo ----- hawao --- me aksar Issi waa --- stay tum --- kitaabo --- me rehna
Yeh bhi wazan main hai
Bohat rang --- hai zeest --- k iss --- safar me Tu har ran ---g me is --- ke babo --- me rehna
Yeh bhi theek hai.
Bhalay too --- t jaana --- dehar ke --- sitam se Magar too --- t kar bhi --- adaabo --- me rehna
Lafz AadaaboN hota hai. adaaboN nahiN kiyooN keh Alif per Mudd hai, iss ki wajah say doosraa misraa wazan say bahar ho jaataa hai. Yeh qafia kissi soorat yahaN wazan main nahiN aa sakta lihaza aap ko yeh sher tark karma paRay gay a yahaN koi aur qafia istemaal karma paRay ga.
Huay aa --- j bay maa --- ya mani --- bhi jab k Ay lafzo! --- meray ab --- hijaabo --- me rehna
Misraa-e-oolaa kay aakhir main lafz keh ki wajah say misray main suqam aa rahaa hai. Keh ki hay asl main “Haay-e-Makhfi†hai jiss ka wazan shumaar nahiN hota. Saadaa formula yeh hai, “Keh†agar “kub†ya “Tak†kay wazan per aay tau ghalat ho jaataa hai.
Doosray misray main aap nay “Ay LafzoN†istemaal kia hai jab keh issay “ Ay Lafzo†hona chahiay. Durustgi kar lijiay.
kaNwal khoo --- n e dil kaa --- ghazo pe --- bahaa k Aur khushyoN --- ke phir tum --- naqaabo --- me rehna
Lafz “Pe†ko par kar lain yaa phir bahaa kay ki bajaay bahaa kar likhaiN. Kissi aik ko tabdeel kijiay.
Misraa-e-saani main lafz aur ki wajah say misraa behr say kharij ho raha hai. YahaN per yeh ho sakta hai, maslan:-
“Keh khushyoN kay phir tum naqaaboN main rehnaâ€
Aap say guzarish hai keh jahaN jahaN main nay nishan dahi ki hai ussay apni koshish say durust karnay ki koshish kijiay.
Warna baRay log haiN jo achhchhi tajweez day saktay haiN.
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Post by kanwal on Aug 4, 2008 0:41:13 GMT 5
Kanwal! Aap ki ghazal main soch aur khayaal hai. Achhchhay aur saadaa say jazbaat haiN aap ki shaeri main. Daad qabool kijiay.
Thank You Atif jee ,...theek hai ,...
i agree ,... [/i][/size][/font][/color] Muhabbat --- ke jhoote --- saraboN --- me rehna Humay raa---s aaya --- n khaabo --- me rehnaYeh sher taqtee kay mutabiq bilkul theek hai. Muhabbat --- me tairi --- yu lagta --- hai jaisay Muqadar --- hai apna --- azaabo --- me rehnaRoman main yeh bilkul theek wazan main hai. Laikin Urdu image main yeh ghalat likha huwa hai. WahaN hai:-
Iss chaahat main teri yooN lagta hai jaisay
Jo keh wazan say kharij hai. Kindly Urdu image durust kijiay.[/quote] Aap ne shayed not nahiN kiya Rafi jee ne reply kiya tha k
Khoobsoorat Ghazal Kanwal ji ksisi kisis shae main kuch mas,ala mehsoos hota hay jaisay dosray shaer kay pehlay misray maiN
to ussi garbar ko maine dhoond liya aur likha k:
Salam, & Thank you Rafi jee ,...
Main tah e dil se Aapki shukr guzaar hooN ke Aapne meri tawajah iss misre ki tarf dilwaayee ,...
JahaN talak mujhe samjh aayee woh garbar shuru meiN hai ghaliban, to issko Maine usse ab kuch yuN kar liya hai ,...
Muhabbat meiN teri yuN lagta hai jaise Muqadar hai apna azaaboN meiN rehna
Bas waqt ki kami ke baic image na tabdeel kar saki ,....
InshallaH ab pehla kaam yehi karoongi ,...hmm,...
YahaaN maine Aadaab nahiN Adab ka zikr kiya tha, jiski jamaa adaaboN hoti ghaliban,...
Aik Aadaab to salam ko kehte haiN par adab bhi to hota hai na, yani saleeqa shu´ari ,...
Ab iss wasaasat se mujhe iss sher ke baare meiN bataiye, ... agar phir bhi yeh Qabil e Qabool nahiN to nikaal deiN ge issko ,... [/color][/quote] to kya yahaN ke (kaaf+badi ye) aani chahiye ,...?kaNwal khoon e dil kaaghazoN pe bahaa kar keh khushyoN ke phir tum naqaaboN meriN rehna
Main romman meiN ke (kaaf+yeh) aur k (kaaf+he) hi likhti hooN iss liye aapko shayed aisa laga, ...
doosra Aapne bohat acha kiya, i´m thankful 2 u ,...
Main Inshallah mazeed koshish karti rahoongi ,...
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Post by dnangrani on Aug 18, 2008 20:43:01 GMT 5
Kanwal tumhare phoolon ki sugandh ka lutf lene aa gayi aaj manch par, bahut miss karti hoon is mehfil ko
Bhale toot jaana dehar ke sitam se Magar toot kar bhi adaaboN meiN rehna
ek aap ki zameen par aapke liye
vo aukaat bhoola tha apni sada se laga usko accha nawabon mein rahna
wishes
Devi
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Post by Aqeel Malik on Sept 28, 2008 11:16:46 GMT 5
Kanwal sahiba jab tak matalia na kia jaeay aur zameeni hqaiq kay sath jurat na banay tu us waqt tak shairi ki wo satah jahan aj shairi ka mahal tameer hay mein dakhil hona bara kathin hay jadeed shairi ka matalia ap ki shairi mein nikhar la sakta hay majmoor taur par aik kamzoor ghazal hay
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Post by uzair143 on Sept 29, 2008 0:22:26 GMT 5
bout hi khoobsurat Uzair
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