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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 23, 2008 23:04:13 GMT 5
aadaab janab atif sahab!
kese mizaaj hain janab?
kaafi din se sukhanwar forum main login na ho sakne ki problem se dochaar rahi.
razi sahab ko bhi is silsile main kafi zehmat di k wo kuch help karain or unki nawaazish hai k unhon ne bhi hatt ul maqdoor hamari madad ki.
aaj achanak hi forum ko ham pe taras aa hi gaya or ham online hone main kaamyaab ho hi gaye.
baat darasal ye thi k ham online nazar to aate thay par koi reply nahi send kar pa rahay thay or isi waja se aapki tehreer pe kuch likhne main bhi taakheer hui.
ab aate hain aapki ghazal ki taraf
aap ki ghazal is qadar pasand aai k aap yaqeen karain ham ne kai kai baar ise parha or har baar lutf andoz hue.
aapki ghazal ka har har sher apni misaal aap hai.
bohot hi dil ko chhoone wali threer hai ye aapki.
ham aap ko itni achi tehreer pe dhairon daad paish karte hain
khush rahiye hamaisha
naz ghazal Mohtarma Naz Ghazal!
Wa Alaikum Aadaab!
Mizaj Alhamdu Lillah ba-khair haiN!
Khushi muwi keh aap ka mas'ala hul ho gaya. Yeh beemaari kabhi kabhi hamaray account ko bhi laahaq ho jaati hai tau hum pre-shaan nahiN hotay, bus koi aur adbi site khol kar baith jaatay haiN. Kuch dair baad "Chhadd Yaar" ki policy per chaltay haiN aur phir mas'alaa hul ho jataa hai. Site na bhi khulay pre-shaani nahiN hoti kiyooN keh khud ko kahiN aur bizi kar liaya jaataa hai. Yaani ................................................. Aap samajh gayee hoN gi.
Ab aap kay khush karnay walay alfaaz per aap ka mamnoon hooN, mairi shaeri maiN koi bhi khaas baat nahiN, Bus Allah ki dain hai. Aap ko ghazal paRh kar lutf ayaa mujhay jaan kar khushi huwi.
Yeh ghazal aap kay dil ko shayad iss liay chhoo gayee keh iss ki ghammazi mera yeh sher karta hai:-
Asar kaisay na ho unn maiN jo mujh per lafz utartay haiN? UnhaiN chaahat ki chhalni say mera munn chhaan laitaa hai
Itni dhair saari daad kay baaray maiN kissi shaer ka sher aap ki nazar:-
Dua bahaar ki maaNgi tau itnay phool khilay Koi jagaa na mili mairay aashiyaanay ko
Aap bhi hamaisha khushiyoN kay samundar maiN ghota zan rahiay, Aameen.
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Post by saeed on Jun 24, 2008 5:01:49 GMT 5
Atif mian,
Achi kavish hai aapki…aur ismein aik achi ghazal ke tamam bunyadi lavazmaat mojod hain …lekin ye aapki haliya ghazloN ke muqable mein zra kamzor hai. Jaisa ke Suhail saheb ne bhi nishan-dahi ki hai misron ko zra kasney ki zroorat hai.
Mera zati tajruba hai ke jab zameen buhut rawaN aur qafia zarkhez ho to buhut jald buhut se ashaar ho jatey hain.....lekin aik ghazal ko achi ghazal honey keliye tavajjo chahiye hoti hai.
Mera bradrana mashwara hai keh aap is Zameen aur iske Qafiya/Radeef ke sath chand din guzaren... phir dekheye kiya soorat banti hai. Mujhey aapki sheri slahiyatoN pe poora yaqeen hai ke aap is ghazal ko mazeed sanwaar saktey hain! Agar koi baat nagavar guzrey to peshgi maazrat!!!
Khush rahen aur likhtey rahen,
Saeed
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 24, 2008 16:07:54 GMT 5
atif gee aap ki ghazal main bazahir koii naqs naheen hay.lakin aap jantay hain keh ghazal aik geelay kapray ki tarah hoti hay jitna nichoortay jaian faltoo panii nikalta jata hay or akhir main itni kasii aa jati hay jisay sehl e mumtanaaa kehtay hain.agar aap iss per mehnat karain tu achay ghazal goo kay toor per apna nam bana saktay hain.jub ghazal main mushafii, insha waghara jasay shair tesray chotay derjay kah shair hoon tu iss main maqaam banana kitna mushkil hay.aap apni sifarish aap hain aap ko shifarish ki zarurat naheen.main aap ko misala inpage main email ker diya karoon ga.app kant chant kay baad issay paste ker sakeain tu inayat ho gii.asal main yahan japan main log 12 ghantay kam kertay hain.daerh ghantay ka aik period hota hay.main bhii subh sat bajay university jata hoon or sham sat bajay aata hoon.yahaan arooz per aik project chal raha hay uss main urdu or hindi donoon departments ki rehnumaii meray zemay hay.aik nisabi kitab bhii university kay liey tayar kar rha hoon.iss kay elawa bhii bhht say kam hain.fursat ka mara hoon.kia karoon iss tarah kay milay hain bakht suhail aik hay jaan or hazaroon gham namunay kay lieay sirf aik sher per islah tajweez ki hay ager pasand aaey tu qabool fermain wena aik nakis mashwara samagh ker nazar andaz ker dain. berbaad ker keh he rakh diya,wo tu andhoon he ki zad peh tha ab der badr phiroon kahan, mujay bikhray ghar ki talash hay yeh bhii koii qabl e rashk sher naheen hay.iss ko abhi or kas saktay hain.meri murad sirf yeh hay keh shaer ko wazan ya qafyeh kay hatoon mujboor naheen hona chaey.yeh saherana ijz hay or aib hay.aap yeh na sumjhain keh falan lufz wazan main naheen aa raha.shaer wo hota hay jiss kah aagay lufz hath bandh ker kharay hotay hain or iltajah bharii nazroon say daikhtay hain keh woh kisay chunta hay.shad azimabadi ka shaer hai dur e muzmoon koii yoon gondh lay a shad muskil hay salika intaha ka chaeay moti paroonay main urdu qawaid ki kitaboon main aik lufz hay "muktaza e haal" her lafz ka aik maqam hota hay.jasay urdu main dur keh dus kay qareeb lafz hain dur,sansa,bhachak,undaysha,khoof waghara in keh istaymaal ki aik mehel hay. aap nay ager bikharnay ka lafz istamaal kia tha tu iss keh sath tabah naheen balkeh burbaad ka mahel tha.asal main log itnii baywazan chezain kehtay hain keh ab wazan main sher kehna bhii aik khoobii bun gya hay.raat keh sawa bara buj gaey hain,baqii phir................. Mohtaram Suhail Sahib! Mujhay aap ki go-nagooN maSroofiyaat ka ba-khoobi andaza hai, issi liay aap ka az hadd mamnoon hooN keh aap rah numaee kay liay tayyar ho gaay haiN. Mera email address aap kay pass hai (Neechay signature maiN bhi hai) aap iss per mujhay inpage maiN file arsaal kijiay ga, maiN kant chaant kay baghair jooN ka tooN paiste kar diya karooN ga.
Aap ki jaanib say islaah karda sher ko maiN fil haal qabool karnay say qasir hooN. Aap koi mutassir kun islaah nahiN day paay. Ghazal kay aahaNg ko mlahiza kijiay ga tau misroN ki tarteeb maiN lafzoN aur ghazal kay ashaar kay main qafiay kay ilaawaa ashaar kay andar alag qafiay chal rahay haiN. Tamaam misr-e-oolaa kay donoN hissay aur misra-e-saani ka pehla hissa, yaani teen hissay aik qafiay radeef kay hisaab say chal rahay haiN. Bahar haal kabhi nazr-e-saani ki koshish bhi kar looN ga.
Aap ki mail ka intezaar rahay ga.
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Post by saeedsaeed on Jun 24, 2008 19:54:26 GMT 5
aoa yar atif aik bat kahoon, kaheen jaldi mein to ye ghazal past nhin kar du ? mujhy ayesa lagta hy, yar aik bar zra pher ye ghazal khaon yar es sy bhii aachy share niklain gain waqya u have the baility to write very better tha this and u can now waiting ap ka dost mubashir
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 25, 2008 15:41:08 GMT 5
Atif mian, Achi kavish hai aapki ?aur ismein aik achi ghazal ke tamam bunyadi lavazmaat mojod hain ?lekin ye aapki haliya ghazloN ke muqable mein zra kamzor hai. Jaisa ke Suhail saheb ne bhi nishan-dahi ki hai misron ko zra kasney ki zroorat hai.Mera zati tajruba hai ke jab zameen buhut rawaN aur qafia zarkhez ho to buhut jald buhut se ashaar ho jatey hain.....lekin aik ghazal ko achi ghazal honey keliye tavajjo chahiye hoti hai. Mera bradrana mashwara hai keh aap is Zameen aur iske Qafiya/Radeef ke sath chand din guzaren... phir dekheye kiya soorat banti hai. Mujhey aapki sheri slahiyatoN pe poora yaqeen hai ke aap is ghazal ko mazeed sanwaar saktey hain! Agar koi baat nagavar guzrey to peshgi maazrat!!!Khush rahen aur likhtey rahen, Saeed Saeed bhai! Aap nay ghazal per tabsra kia uss kay liay mamnoon hooN. Ghazal ko baNk maiN laga kar kasna shuroo kar diya hai, aur Dr Suhail sahib kay mutabiq nachoRna bhi shuroo kar diya hai, Jab bhi kasi gayee ya nuchaR gayee tau mulahizay kay liay paish kar di jaay gi.
Nagwaar qataee koi baat nahiN guzri kiyooN keh jaez tanqeed ko welcome karna aik mufeed aadat hai. Woh kia hai keh hum tau bhai philay 21 baras say shaeri kay tif-le-maktab haiN aur hanooz seekhnay kay maraHil tay kar rahay haiN. Aap log jo "sub kuchh" seekh kar "Mukammal" ho chukay haiN, hum log ab aap kay mashwaroN kay baghair nahiN chal saktay.
Aap ki tawajjah ka bahut shukriya!!!!!!
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 25, 2008 23:02:56 GMT 5
aoa yar atif aik bat kahoon, kaheen jaldi mein to ye ghazal past nhin kar du ? mujhy ayesa lagta hy, yar aik bar zra pher ye ghazal khaon yar es sy bhii aachy share niklain gain waqya u have the baility to write very better tha this and u can now waiting ap ka dost mubashir Ji NahiN jaldi maiN bilkul paste nahiN ki balkeh baRay itminaan say likh kar rakhi hai.
Aap mujh say achhchhi shaeri farmaa laitay haiN, iss ghazal maiN islaah tajweez kar dijiay. Laikin arz yeh hai keh jo tarteeb maiN nay Ghazal kay main qafiay aur radeef kay ilaawa her sher kay pehlay teen hissoN kay alag qafiay aur radeef rakhay haiN un kay saath hi koi tabdeel ka mashwara marhamat farmaiay ga. Mamnoon-e-ehsaan rahooN ga aur saari zindagi aap ki islaah ka dum bharta rahooN ga.
(Aik guzarish hai keh tabaa-zaad tajziaa bhi inayat farma dijiay)
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Post by saeed on Jun 26, 2008 4:34:07 GMT 5
Atif mian, Achi kavish hai aapki ?aur ismein aik achi ghazal ke tamam bunyadi lavazmaat mojod hain ?lekin ye aapki haliya ghazloN ke muqable mein zra kamzor hai. Jaisa ke Suhail saheb ne bhi nishan-dahi ki hai misron ko zra kasney ki zroorat hai.Mera zati tajruba hai ke jab zameen buhut rawaN aur qafia zarkhez ho to buhut jald buhut se ashaar ho jatey hain.....lekin aik ghazal ko achi ghazal honey keliye tavajjo chahiye hoti hai. Mera bradrana mashwara hai keh aap is Zameen aur iske Qafiya/Radeef ke sath chand din guzaren... phir dekheye kiya soorat banti hai. Mujhey aapki sheri slahiyatoN pe poora yaqeen hai ke aap is ghazal ko mazeed sanwaar saktey hain! Agar koi baat nagavar guzrey to peshgi maazrat!!!Khush rahen aur likhtey rahen, Saeed Saeed bhai! Aap nay ghazal per tabsra kia uss kay liay mamnoon hooN. Ghazal ko baNk maiN laga kar kasna shuroo kar diya hai, aur Dr Suhail sahib kay mutabiq nachoRna bhi shuroo kar diya hai, Jab bhi kasi gayee ya nuchaR gayee tau mulahizay kay liay paish kar di jaay gi.
Nagwaar qataee koi baat nahiN guzri kiyooN keh jaez tanqeed ko welcome karna aik mufeed aadat hai. Woh kia hai keh hum tau bhai philay 21 baras say shaeri kay tif-le-maktab haiN aur hanooz seekhnay kay maraHil tay kar rahay haiN. Aap log jo "sub kuchh" seekh kar "Mukammal" ho chukay haiN, hum log ab aap kay mashwaroN kay baghair nahiN chal saktay.
Aap ki tawajjah ka bahut shukriya!!!!!!
Atif bhai, main eik bar phir mazrat chahata hoon ke aapki dil-aazari hoe! aap akeley tifl-e-maktib nahen hain yahaN ham jesey kei aur bhi aapke sath haiN. hum bhi nichoRney aur kasney ki kashakash se guzer rahey hain...Koi shaer ya sher mukammal nahen hota... jis din seekhney ki piyas na rahi usdin shaeri bhi hamein tark kardegi. Faraz sb ne meri pehli kitab ki ronamayi ki taqreeb ke baad ye tehreer inayat ki thi... "Saeed....naqsh-e-avval ko kabhi naqsh-e-dawaam na samajhna. Achhi shaeri ki koi manzil nahen hoti ...aur bus!" meine jo ab tak mar khayi hai us se ye smajh aaya hai ke ghazal ke her talib-e-ilm ko aagey janey keliye bhut sari munasib shaeri zaya karni paRti hai.... apko aagey jana hai. aadaab Saeed
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 27, 2008 17:33:55 GMT 5
Atif bhai, main eik bar phir mazrat chahata hoon ke aapki dil-aazari hoe! aap akeley tifl-e-maktib nahen hain yahaN ham jesey kei aur bhi aapke sath haiN. hum bhi nichoRney aur kasney ki kashakash se guzer rahey hain...Koi shaer ya sher mukammal nahen hota... jis din seekhney ki piyas na rahi usdin shaeri bhi hamein tark kardegi. Faraz sb ne meri pehli kitab ki ronamayi ki taqreeb ke baad ye tehreer inayat ki thi... "Saeed....naqsh-e-avval ko kabhi naqsh-e-dawaam na samajhna. Achhi shaeri ki koi manzil nahen hoti ...aur bus!" meine jo ab tak mar khayi hai us se ye smajh aaya hai ke ghazal ke her talib-e-ilm ko aagey janey keliye bhut sari munasib shaeri zaya karni paRti hai.... apko aagey jana hai. aadaab Saeed Aray Saeed Bhai ab tau dil hi kahaN raha ki uss ki aazaari ho! Aap chinta mutt kia kijiay. Jab iss forum per aay haiN tau har tarah kay haalaat kay liay tayyar ho kar aay haiN. Kuchh dost tau yahaN say taeb ho kar nikal liay haiN magar hum jaanay waloN maiN say nahiN. Saath nibhanay ka ehd hai hamara aur Sukhanwar ka!
Doosri baat hai keh "Oakhli maiN diya sar tau moosloN say kia Dar". Tanqeed kay liay dil mazboot hai. Bus tanqeed karany waloN say guzarish hoti hai keh mantaqi baat ho, aur sub kay liay barabar ka critaria ho. Har aik kay liay paimanay mukhtalif nahiN rakhay jaanay chahiaN.
Teesri baat, keh jo bhi seniors yahaN mojood haiN woh apna farz bhi adaa karaiN. Khali yeh keh dena kafi nahiN keh aap ki shaeri ko kasnay ya nachoRnay ki zaroorat hai, ya hushw hai, ya shutar gurba hai ya koi aur naqaies haiN. Aray piyaray sahib jab tak koi senior ya woh jiss nay inn ka baa-qaaeda ilm hasil kia huwa hai agar woh yahaN sikhanay kay laey kuchh likhnay kaa saamaan kar daiN gay tau mera khayal hai keh unn ki shaan maiN farq nahiN aa jaay ga.
Chothi baat yeh keh kissi bhi forum khas taur per Sukhanwar ko "Man teraa haji bagoyam, too mera mulla bago" ya "Anjuman-e-Sataaeish-e-Baahmi" banana maqSad nahiN. Maqsad yeh hai keh aik doosray say seekhaiN, khaali khooli daad-o-tehseen kay doNgray barsana, wah wah karna asl-e-adab nahiN. Munasib tanqeed baraay islaah kay liay sub tayyar rahiN. Tanqeed baraay tanqeed say perhaiz ho, Baaqaeda say thread shuroo kiay jaaN jiss maiN agar kissi ko shaeri ki kissi baat ka ilm ho tau yahaN share karaiN tau bahut achhchha hai.
MaiN aik kitaab completely reproduce karnay ka programme banaa raha hooN, seniors na sahi, hum hi yeh kaam sar anjaam day laiN.
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Post by ramishjaan on Jun 28, 2008 17:41:49 GMT 5
AOA Atif bhai ap se bhi mazraat chahta ho,n aj kafi arse ke bad sukhanwar par log in howa ho,n meri qismat keitne din itni achi ghazal ke mutalye se mehrom raha Atif bhai MASHALLA bohat umda aur shandar ghazal atta ki he is ghazal ka ik aik sher mujhe you laga jese ap ne mere dil ki awaz meri soch ko grift me le liya he aur adab keaik adna qari hone ki hesiyat me mere nazdeek jab kisi takhleeq kar ki koi takhleeq us ke qari ko apni zaat ka aks lagne lag jaye to wo su takhleeq kar ki inthaei kamyabi hoti he so is purtaseer ghazal ke liye qalb e chaman se dad ke bohat sare phool ap ki nazr ap ke husne klam ki nazr waslam mukhlis ramishjaan
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 28, 2008 23:53:30 GMT 5
AOA Atif bhai ap se bhi mazraat chahta ho,n aj kafi arse ke bad sukhanwar par log in howa ho,n meri qismat keitne din itni achi ghazal ke mutalye se mehrom raha Atif bhai MASHALLA bohat umda aur shandar ghazal atta ki he is ghazal ka ik aik sher mujhe you laga jese ap ne mere dil ki awaz meri soch ko grift me le liya he aur adab keaik adna qari hone ki hesiyat me mere nazdeek jab kisi takhleeq kar ki koi takhleeq us ke qari ko apni zaat ka aks lagne lag jaye to wo su takhleeq kar ki inthaei kamyabi hoti he so is purtaseer ghazal ke liye qalb e chaman se dad ke bohat sare phool ap ki nazr ap ke husne klam ki nazr waslam mukhlis ramishjaan Ramish Bhai! Aap ki aalaa zarfi hai keh aap nay ghazal ko itna saraha. Meray bhi dil say nikli huwi aawaaz hai, Aur pur taseer is liay hai keh:-
Asar kaisay na ho unn maiN jo mujh per lafz utartay haiN UnhaiN chaahat ki chhalni say mera mann chhaan leta hai
Daad ka bahut shukriya
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Post by Ghazalsara on Jun 29, 2008 11:26:04 GMT 5
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jun 29, 2008 11:49:15 GMT 5
Naveed bhai aap ka kehna bilkul durust hai keh lambi behr ko nibhana bhi mushkil hai. Aur such poochaiN hum mushkil pasand hai. Taareef ka bahut shukriya.
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Post by rooh on Jun 29, 2008 13:49:51 GMT 5
Atif sahab salam
there is not much i can say bout this ghazal....only thing is can say is it is good in its flow, nicely woven...but it cud have been better...there a still more scope.
it looks like more of word mincing..
sorry shayad aap shairi ki technicalities mujhse ziyada samjhte hain..par ghazal wahii pur asar hoti hai jo qarii ke ehsaas ko stimulate karne sakay..
ye meri adna si rai hai...bura na manain aap
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Post by Atif Mirza on Jul 2, 2008 21:48:27 GMT 5
Rooh! I'm sorry if my poetry couldn't sitimulate your emotions. I will definately try my level best to intruduce emotion stimulators in my ghazal as I have in my Nazm.
You must be well aware of art of word mincing but I wrote it with my Jazbaat. Kaifiyaat ki shaeri hai, shaed meri kaifiyat aap kay saamnay itni strong na hoN.
Rooh bibi! asl maiN shaeri ki khaami ya khubi yeh hai keh woh dou mukhtalif logoN ko aik hi waqt maiN achhchhi ya buri lag sakti hai. Kabhi aik sher hamaray dil ko phaRka deta hai magar wohi sher kuchh roz baad hamaiN mutassir karnay ki salahiyat kho baithta hai! Ab problem sher kay saath bhi ho sakti hai aur hamaray ehsaasaat kay saath bhi. YahaN shaed meri shaeri kay saath ko masala hai jo aap ko nahiN bhaa saki. Aap say guzaarish hai ke aap apnay maayaar kay baaray maiN kuch rehnumaee farmaiN, nawazih ho gi.
Mujhay shaeri ki techinicalities kay baaray maiN koi ilm nahiN hai, aap yaqeenan mujh say behtar aagahi rakhti hoN gi. Lihaza aap say iltemaas karta hooN keh kuchh waqt nikaal kar hamaiN shaeri per kuchh sair hasil maaloomaat faraham kar daiN takeh aienda hum jaisay ghair pur asar log jazbaat ko baRkanay aur dil ko phaRkanay wali ghazliyat paish kar kay aap jaisi baRi shaeraat ka dil jeet sakaiN.
Aji aap ki baatoN ka bura mananay walay hum kon haiN albatta aap ko danista ya nadanista koi baath garaN guzray tau darguzar say kaam lijiay ga.
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Post by Aqeel Malik on Jul 11, 2008 16:16:31 GMT 5
bahut umda ghazal hay qad qabool kejeay
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